Angels Everywhere

I’m placing my journal entry here tonight. These women seem to be all on a mission of some sort and I believe God has a reason I am encouraged and yet keep checking my soul desires too. I’m angry 400,000 churches gather every Sunday to worship God and teach God and we have 400,000 orphans in the US today when the “only religion undefiled before God the Father is to care for these uncovered ones in their time of distress.” James 1:27

I’m angry that mobs get together to slay the single mothers out there who are doing what this world often gives them as the only option to feed their kids (finding men to care for them even in horrid ways) and I’m angry that more than 1 in 4 homes in this country where kids are sleeping are fatherless tonight and we accept this while accusing women of bad things in adoption too. What woman would get an adoption if she had a loving man there to support her and be a teammate in raising child and a community rallying around her to help her in this process? Not many. It’s a broken society that makes these vulnerable make choices in desperation.

I don’t know how God can use me in this role. It’s a lifeguard show built on hot girls in swimsuits and I’m praying if God sends me I can follow the Lord, hear his heart and instructions and be a beacon of light that speaks what God would speak and does what God would have his daughter do and raises the awareness and the funds to open the Fire Ranch Sanctuary and do as HIS word says in Malichi and bring our tides to HIS STOREHOuSE where he says if we do he’ll pour out blessing more than we can even hold.

I know what it’s like to be fatherless and a widow. It’s horrible. And I know what it’s like to go to the churches for help in these seasons and be turned away, shamed, condemned or just plain ignored like I’m invisible and I don’t want to wage war against any group I just want to be the answer in some small way; the example of what God will do with a willing heart who says YES to walk in faith and keep my eyes on the vision of something that can truly heal his children and widows.

I want communities that don’t tolerate abuse and offer options to set the captives free. I want communities of mentorship where people step up a fathers and mothers to kids that they didn’t birth. I want a society that honors women and children as God’s chosen and not throw-aways, accidents or pray. The Epstein files talked about “fatherless kids” as the number one criteria in their search for taking children. Do you think Satan isn’t behind this – a literal scripture from the book that this country has built it’s Christianity upon.

God make a way for me to stir up hearts to help. Give me a voice that people might listen to. I say “yes” but I don’t want my ego to run anything. I need you to lead me and guide me and carry me to whatever you have for me to do. Use me God.

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Not afraid to Ask

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God woke me at 3:25 am with a text from a flight attendant asking me to switch my maui trip for her standbye next week. I thought for a moment, “Is this a joke? Is she crazy?” And God said to me, “She’s not afraid to ask.” And that hit me hard.

Yesterday was a big day in many ways. I took the prayer candles out and tried to pray over a caregiver and his wife and was strongly opposed and rejected. They wouldn’t even take a free candle of mine. Then I saw where another person had picked up my prayer candle in the bathroom and then threw it on the sink back where it was soppy and wet. Much confirmation,..

The prayer candle ministry is not God’s will for me.

Throughout the day I heard God telling me, “They have not because they ask not – and you can’t change them.” So then I figured,.. OK, then I’ll use the prayer candles for my own prayers. I will ask for myself; for God to give to me my dreams and wishes.

Then I received a call from TJ. He said, “You’re not going to believe this! A woman next to my aunt went into care because she has dementia and I helped them move her. And the daughter gave me her mom’s car. Can you believe this? Then he told me that he was picked to sing the Anthem at the Lakers game on March 3rd. I told him congratulations and he said…. “You did this.” I reminded him, all God things are GOD’s doing… But I see two things as I type this now. “Don’t grow weary in doing good – at the proper time you’ll receive your reward.” And also, Pray and ask God – God can do anything.

We were late getting TJ’s video in and he was very nervous and very insecure but God had me there encouraging him and helping in his anxiety not only in praying for him before he sang, but I filmed the video and then when he freaked out because it wouldn’t send, I uploaded it to my computer and sent it to the judges using my google drive. It feels good to help someone step out and do something that uplifts their soul and uses their gifts. TJ is a singer. I’m so happy he gets to sing and he told me he’s sending me tickets to go watch him on that night.

Now can I practice what I preach? Can I go to this audition and believe that God will do for me what I’ve witnessed him do for others? God will choose me to walk in my gifts and get a lead role in this show… I know it’s a big asking to say “lead role”. When I mentioned it to Dave and Tamra they both said, “Yeah, they need back-ups and bartenders and crowd staff.” I remember when I was in 4th grade I tried out for the Nutcracker play thinking this – that they’d make me a kid dressed up as a tree or a backup singer in the choir. I couldn’t believe it when the director chose me for the main role Marie. And I was the only one that did a main role throughout the play. She picked twins to play the role of the guy because she said she didn’t have a boy strong enough to remember all of the scenes. The boys got to split the scenes and no one would notice because they were identical.

It’s odd when I said twins I just though about my 911 prophecy dream and how Josh and Dave both have phone numbers 9115. Kenna always sees 55. And Dave seems to be the replacement for Josh (carrying a very similar role that Josh played in my life when I was 17). Oddly, Dave is the one that sent me the Baywatch audition and asked me to go. I’m not sure if he was joking or not but it planted a seed and now I’m going (God willing).

Tonight I said I’d eat only tuna, eggs and apples, would run everyday, do stairmaster and butt lifts and crunches and pushups and I’d not vape and drink lots of water. I can do this with God as my strength. I can focus, kick the bad habits, believe and get ready to get a big part. I will be the hottest 47 year old on TV and I’ll be God’s girl in every interview and tabloid and podcast; not because I’m a good girl or perfect but because I’m covered by the blood of Jesus Christ made righteous by him not my own attempts to be a good Christian (Steve said he’s like a 2.5 out of 10 on Christian scale). But I”m the girl who walked in faith, prayed, asked and even with a little strength left after a very difficult path I’m gonna use the little strength I have left to walk in that audition and believe that God went before me and paved the way to victory.

What’s impossible to men is possible to God.

Image: A woman came up to me on the pier after a skateboarder signaled me to go there. She said, “Can I take a picture of you?” Then she started capturing a video as I laughed and moved my arms around. Watching it back I realize that I was subconsciously moving my arms as a bird or an angel. I feel like God wanted me to see this to see an angel getting her wings back… Preparing to fly…

Heard song…..

[Verse 1: Nicki Minaj]
I fly with the stars in the skies
I am no longer trying to survive
I believe that life is a prize
But to live doesn’t mean you’re alive
Don’t worry ’bout me and who I fire
I get what I desire, it’s my empire
And yes, I call the shots, I am the umpire
I sprinkle holy water upon a vampire
In this very moment, I’m king
In this very moment, I slay Goliath with a sling
This very moment, I bring
Put it on everything that I will retire with the ring
And I will retire with the crown, yes
No, I’m not lucky, I’m blessed, yes
Clap for the heavyweight champ, me
But I couldn’t do it all alone, we
Young Money raised me, grew up out in Baisley
Southside Jamaica, Queens, and it’s crazy
‘Cause I’m still hood, Hollywood couldn’t change me
Shout out to my haters, sorry that you couldn’t faze me
Ain’t being cocky, we just vindicated
Best believe that when we done, this moment will be syndicated
I don’t know, this night just remind me of
Everything they deprived me of (Yeah)
Put your drinks up
It’s a celebration every time we link up
We done did everything they can think of
Greatness is what we on the brink of

I have tears reading these lyrics.. Thank you Jesus.

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From Trouble to Treading Upon

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Last night I watched videos by Steve Harvey and he spoke of visions from the Lord, suggesting to his audience to read Hebakkuk 2. As I woke this morning, I ordered a devotional he recommended called “Jesus Calling” and then went to this scripture he spoke of.

The first thing I noticed as peculiar was the cover of the devotional Harvey spoke of. I’ve held this book in my hand before. While in Miami last year it was gifted to me. I don’t even remember who gave it to me or how I ended up with that devotional book from Sarah Young. But I remember I gave it away when I left in a box to a woman in my apartments that rescued dogs. Why did I only read it a few times and assume it was meant to be passed along without my use? Was it my pride that said I had already done my days of Bible reading and devotionals and needed to not pick up this daily practice again? Or was it my humility that said I am not deserving of the gifts inside of it and should pass all good things God gives me onto another?

I’ve done that for as long as I could remember. Whatever God blesses me with, I have felt unworthy to receive and so I handed it to another. Even the gifts he’s given me I’ve always used to showcase another, uplift another or make another successful and prosperous. But is the calling of Jesus? Should a woman make herself invisible and withhold nothing that Heaven sends as the businesses, friends and people who pass through her gifted time on this earth are all given a piece of God’s portion that she beholds? Today I feel silly in these ideas as I realize God had gifted me that devotional book for a reason that was to speak to my heart, direct my steps and lead me in my calling that Jesus has for me. God wants to bless me and is asking me to receive all of His Good Gifts in store for me – to stop passing the baton he didn’t instruct me to give away. And this was demonstrated to me last week when I met a man from Huntington who is struggling financially to even pay his bills, looks at his mother who is in need of many things and doesn’t give to her but he gifts to every stranger on his trips at work things they don’t deserve. He gave to me money for dinner, a hat from the Gospel Museum of Music and extra gas money when I drove them to his aunt’s house upon our arrival back to LA. I wondered why he was so giving and asked him this question. He said that he was very blessed to be in a family who had a lot of money. But during my stay with him I learned this was not true. I wondered why he pretended to have and why he Glorified God in sharing a wealth that was invisible. God loves a giving heart but he never asks us to provide for others what we don’t truly hold in our hands. Perhaps this is a lesson I must learn today; to believe God wants to bless me and to know that what God gives to me has my name on it and should be received by my hands and my heart with gratitude and treasured rather than passed along.

After I ordered the book, I opened the Bible to Hebakkuk. Rather than start in passage 2, I read the entire bookfrom start to end. Hebakkuk sees the trouble and the injustices as he cries out to the Lord. The man carries the fear of what he perceives to be coming but also carries the understanding from God that the trouble coming upon the earth is purposed. God is moving to set things right and the ultimate goal of God’s hand upon the lands was to turn the tables. God’s justice is never to allow a city that causes harm, violence and vanity for the sake of oppressing his children to reign on. God hears the cries of his little ones and he answers in strength that causes even the mountains to quake and all the living to bow and recognize HIS power; much greater than the leaders, the decision makers and the kings of this earth over various societies and industries.

God will put us in places as the oppressed, the hungry, the lonely; he will make us to be the voices that cry out for help in our season of the wilderness so that we see the evil and the injustice. We have to feel it, get burned by it and sew in tears from that place because the anger that stirs within us is creating a desire to join our hearts to God in the opposition of that mindset so that when he humbles the proud and exalts the lowly into high places, those ones will use the gifts from God to glorify his name and his will.

Since I’ve been in LA I have spoken to many about the book that I wrote of true experiences from a hospital room where God showed his power is greater than science and medical systems. God performed a miracle in that ICU room and I wanted the story to be given to everyone. I wanted all people to know the power of prayer and the truth that what people can’t do God can do. I wanted people who were sick, harmed in accidents or family members that slept in hospital chairs for months upon months to know there is hope. What the doctors predict isn’t what God says and only Jesus is the author of life and death. God has the final say to whether we live, die or heal beyond what human tongues say is possible. I wanted that story to bless many.

I have told my story to people here and each time I got my hopes up as these people would set meetings, make promises to help me complete a screen play script or make offers to me that if I would help them with their projects they’d in return help me pitch my book to film. Today as I write this my roomate has a house guest; a woman who recently wrote a memoir of her mother’s ill treatment of her as a child. My roomate invited her here because she’s turning her book into a film script for her. And I thought to myself as if to ask God, “Why won’t she help me? She promised she would and I’ve been here seven months living under her roof. She never even finished reading my book. I’ve created several pitch decks for her and video sizzles to help her with her projects and she never did what she promised to do in helping me with my book. Why is she helping others instead?”

I’ve been in this situation before – opposed in my dreams of what I believe God will do. I remember in the hospital rooms pleading with doctors to come into alignment with hope and offer me solutions to save my ex-husband’s life and I was met with words like, “There is nothing more we can do. The damage is already done.” This go-round the words I’ve been told by so-called experts in the movie industry sound like, “You need to take the Jesus out of the book. Producers are looking for faith-based stories without the divine intervention. You should instead write a part 2 that talks about all of the horrible things your husband and family did to you.” It seems people in this industry are programmed to want the bad news, the drama that sells and the fault finding plots that glorify the evil works of humans rather than the powerful works of God.

I could very easily confound to this template and write more drama than their eyes have ever seen. I could talk about being born into the world without a dad, the stories of injustices that led me on a lifelong journey to uncover lies, the money scandals, the oppression, the abuse and the hurt that others have inflicted upon me and to even begin to elaborate would peak the interest of many. I know my story has enough tragedy to fill an entire season of coffee cup round tables where women spew the word “narcissist” and pass around tissues with fake empathy upon their lips. Drama sells and I have lots of it to give if I wanted to be another voice of despair and victimhood. But is that what God wants? I think not.

The final words of Habakkuk speak of the result and the promise of God. He sees the terrible visions, he prays, he waits for the Lord to answer and then he proclaims the outcomes as he writes, “I will rejoice in the Lord, I will joy in the God of my salvation. The Lord God is my strength and he wlll make my feet like hinds’ feet, and he will make me to walk upon mine high places to the chief singer on my stringed instruments.”

God’s desire is not for us to swim around in victimhood and use our mouths to speak of all that others did wrong to us. He doesn’t want us to lift up our voices to share with others the drama that gives a stage to evil acts, he wants us to speak of the victory that HIS STRENGTH over all circumstances has written upon our stories. The good news is the outcome as Hebakkuk declares he now walks upon high places. He was rescued from the pit. He was redeemed from the struggles and the oppression and all of the horrifying movements of God that made the earth tremble were the very provisions that moved all the puzzle pieces into place to flip the script and uplift Hebakkuk.

I’ve had many visions. Years ago I had a vision of Malibu on fire as I drove through the Santa Monica mountains. That vision came to pass in January of 2025. I’ve had a vision of myself in a pool of water as a film crew surrounded me and a man. I’ve had visions of my son with a wife and child gathered with me and my person (a new love interest I presume) as we cooked food on the grille in a beautiful backyard setting in laughter and joy. I have no idea how I would ever get to these places. Today I rent a room from this script writer who won’t give me the time of day, I work a job I don’t belong to for an airline where I am met with horrible work schedules, little pay and angry customers and I can barely afford to pay for the car I drive. Although I’m grateful because not long ago I didn’t have a home to stay in (literally I was living in cheap hotel rooms), I didn’t know what to do to earn money to eat with and I went nearly a year without a car to drive – walking to dentist appointments and the grocery store. I’m not where I belong but God has uplifted me from the lowest places I’ve been. I’m grateful I can take a shower and go for walks. There were days as a caregiver I couldn’t find time to myself to do anything for myself. I’m grateful I’m not in a hospital room clinging to hope as I’m surrounded by voices of doubt and machines that alert staff of death incoming. I’m grateful God answered my prayers to let my children’s father live, to gift miracles in our sight through those times and I’m grateful that my son has made it through horrific nights when he spoke to me that he wished to take his own life. I’m grateful my daughter is no longer turning to weed and alcohol to numb her pain. I’m grateful that the both of them are speaking of the potential to move here and live with me in the next season of our life. I’m grateful my mother is taking good care of my dog Drako today and I’m grateful that I’m alive, breathing and typing into a laptop computer that only sometimes powers up – but today it’s working for me. Today, I’m documenting these words to honor the God who writes and finishes my story and perfects my faith and today my God is not done with me yet.

If God gave me these visions then He’s made a way to get me there. He has a path for me that will result in me living in a high place with love, family, prosperity and purpose in my life. He plans to give me a platform of some sort where people who carry cameras come to capture me on film. He plans to give me love and a new relationship that brings me joy, support and companionship I desire. He plans to bless my kids with love, children and a future that looks nothing like the past when all of us were struggling just to see the light in dark days.

Last week I asked a Hollywood producer to pay me the hourly rate of $55 that she had promised to me when she approached me in December to offer me a side job working on a docuseries that highlights her life and her path. She was to be the star of this show and she spoke to me about her dream for this project to lead to a talk show where she would be like the next Oprah. She shared with me her plans to write the book of her story – abused by her ex-husband and exiled by her adult kids. She also shared with me her desire to have a ranch one day for her kids to go to. At the core of all she spoke, she said she wanted JUSTICE to be served for all the wrong doing that had been done to her.

When I turned in my hours to her on an invoice I shorted myself. Even though she’s a millionaire I heard a voice of doubt speaking to me, “You aren’t worthy to receive payment for all of the labor you did for this woman.” So, I turned in only 37 hours for a full month of daily work. She responded the next day with a text message and said she refused to pay me because I never made for her a business plan. This was confusing and shocking to me. I never was asked to create for her a business plan. She had hired me to come up with show ideas, create graphics, work on a website and make video sizzles. I’m not a business plan person. But in effort to rectify her request I spent that entire evening putting together a business plan to the best of my ability. I sent it over and attached the hours again.

The next day she responded and said, “I needed this a long time ago. I will only pay you $1,000. I don’t like being caught off guard and I have too much going on in my life right now.” She decided that I was responsible for her lack of planning and direction in the project she approached me to work on for her. She decided that I was somehow responsible for her personal life struggles. She decided that I was the reason that she felt startled in being asked to uphold her agreement she made with me. She decided I should suffer injustice of not being paid what she owed to me and she decided that my worth wasn’t even equivalent to minimum wage in this country. Perhaps she showed me the works of victimhood as a lesson I needed to see. When we want to seek justice on our own rather than trusting God to make things right, we wage war against even the ones who help us and we become the villain who steals from another. My time was arranged for a payment and to withhold payment is theft. To make matters worse, she knows I’m struggling to pay my basic necessities. She knows I have been sending money to Texas for my child to have food to eat. She knows that I needed that extra money I was working for very badly. And the voice within says, “God, if you ever place me in position where I have the means to produce a show and hire workers to do the filming and planning, I will pay them every dollar they are owed and bless them with bonuses even. I will be grateful for the ones you send to me and I’ll treat them fairly. God I will never deny a worker her wages if you put me in this position.”

So this morning, I moved the work I did that she didn’t pay for to a new domain called “The Immortal Pen.” Her show that I was working on will be God’s show in this place. God removed the Hollywood producer from my life who didn’t pay me for my labor and decided that HE would be the producer of this show and God is the Father of Lights who gives good gifts to His children and Jesus is the author and finisher of this story.

I don’t know what will happen next. I don’t know the path that God has for me or what he might do with these writings but I pray that the windows of Heaven will open and rain grace over my every step from this moment forward. I pray that God will give me eyes to see his blessings and the miracles of every moment. I pray that these doors slammed in my face will be counted as divine detours that were all part of the journey and that everyone who didn’t treat me fairly, everyone who said “no” to my desire to tell God’s story and everyone who counted me as small and meaningless will one day receive gifts from me with little notes that say, “Look what God did – the true script writer, producer and author of all things.”

I registered for an audition next month held in Marina Del Ray for a new show on Fox that’s bringing back Baywatch. I don’t have the confidence in myself to get a part in a show and I have no acting experience, agent representation or even a resume. I had to use an old camera phone picture as my headshot and I struggled to answer the question on the registration form, “Why should we consider you for this show?” I registered because a friend sent me the link. I registered because I don’t want to be crippled by fear, afraid of rejection and held in chains of human logic that tells us that we can’t do something because we have no experience or we aren’t qualified. I don’t want to be a prisoner to the voice that says I’m too old or it’s too late for me. I registered because in the vision I speak of above that I received over a year ago where I had a film crew around me, I was wearing a red swimsuit. I registered because even though I don’t believe it’s possible for me to win a part in this TV show, I believe it’s possible for God to do it.

My confidence is in God and God alone. I will walk through every open door I see and I will keep asking and keep believing he has a plan for my life beyond what I even think is possible. And i will open my heart to receive the miracles that defy logic and the blessings that I don’t deserve, but he gives simply because I ask.

Dear Heavenly Father,

You know that I write this with trembling hands today. You know that I’m seeking things I can’t yet see and I’m doing my best to align with the imagination that has led me to dream dreams of your glory on the other side of all that I have suffered through. I know I can’t figure out a way to get where my heart desires to go. I only know that I have this desire. I want to be uplifted and be a story that gives hope to others who have been where I am. I want to tell everyone with a microphone in my hand and thousands in the audience, “If God can do this for me, he will do it for you.” I want to be a voice for the fatherless, the widows, the throw-aways and the forgotten that speaks of your power and screams from the mountaintops, “God can do anything.” So Lord I pray this today and ask you to help me walk in your strength and your courage. I ask you to be my confidence and to be my belief when I don’t even know how to believe. You know the truth of my thoughts. You know the things I’ve been through. You know the doors that have been slammed in my face and you know my heart to love your little ones and to not worship the people in high places but to worship you and honor your children that cry out for help today. Lead me God. Engrave the visions of hope into my mind so that my dreams are far too big to rival the voices of doubt. Shut my ears to not even hear the ankle biters that would laugh at my aspirations. Teach me to walk on water and to keep my eyes on you as I enter the promised land you have prepared for me. Remind me that Jesus was the final sacrifice and I am not to be trampled another day or another moment by people. By his stripes I am healed, by his righteousness I am eternally saved and by his immortal pen I am blessed, favored and carried to the top of the staircase by your mighty hand.

In Jesus’ Name,

Amen.

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Seaside, Steve & Son

God thank you for the hope in the 3 bedroom apartment by the ocean at Will Rogers. I didn’t get to see it because the door was locked and i know that only you can open doors so I trust there was a reason for this. I went to the ocean and had pep in my step today with music I loved on the playlist and a vision of trying out for the Baywatch show. I have no experience but if this is a door that you are opening for me it will be the one that leads me to the dreams you’ve given me.

God my mom named me after a woman on TV and you know that this has always been a dream of mine. I don’t speak about it and I’ve denied it to myself because I didn’t know how I’d ever do it. But as Steve said tonight, it’s not my place to figure out how. I am only to ask you and to walk in faith – work hard and show up and you do the giving.

I have the angels flame site set up as if I’m about to have a talk show tomorrow with amazing stories to share. I would love to be like Steve and have a huge platform and success to tell people about how I followed the dreams you gave me to go to California chasing a new chapter, love and a story in a movie. I thought the hope was to get the book into film but I’m realizing that the story would glorify you but not in the way I truly want because it doesn’t have the part 2 yet. I want to tell people how all things worked out for my good and how you turned pain into purpose and a long road of tears and unknown into a blessing beyond my wildest dreams.

Thank you for the ability to work out today and for the courage to remake a vision board. If you cause me to look like Pam did and to get a role in this show I will honor you in all interviews and opportunities to speak in telling everyone about this day.

Thank you for the talk with my son tonight. He said he’d be open to moving here if we had a house. I would really love to a place by the beach and I’d love to bring Drako too. God give us a house with a yard that we can afford in an area that is safe and beautiful and that will bring us joy and laughter and hope for the days coming.

I know you can do anything.

Thank you for reminding me of that with Steve’s videos tonight.

In Jesus name I pray and give thanks,

Amen.

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FREE WILL

I feel like I came here to California and have been on this crazy journey that began in 2016 when my life was turned upside down just to learn a lesson about free will. No matter what we do, how much we sacrifice or how deeply we love another, they may never love us back. Sometimes the ones that love us the most are the very ones that persecute us, betray us, lie to us, take from us and leave us for dead without blinking an eye. And we have to love them as they are and walk away wounded without knowing why.

I’ve hurt so badly the last many years. I’ve felt I had no one to turn to, no one to talk to and no one who cares that I even exist. By God’s grace alone I’m here today writing this entry tonight.

So much has changed and happened. My life has been a constant roller coaster ride of hope elevated and falling again many times each day. I leap for joy each day and I cry and mourn too. It’s a strange thing – the human emotions.

Yesterday my daughter messaged me and inquired about moving in together again. She said if I can’t leave she’ll come here. And then today she informed me that her father told her he’s getting a one bedroom next month and kicking my son out. There was a day that i had prayed for that to happen; for my son to be removed from the situation he’s been deteriorating in for 7 years now. But it was a shock when it came today. And then I felt the tug-o-war within my own heart in the reality that settled in. I will be a mother living with her two adult kids. This is the very thing my mother ran away from in pursuit of finding love again after her second divorce. I see many women doing it; my roomate too. They say, “I’ve raised my kids, now it’s my time to live.” And maybe that was their path and journey, considering they found knights in shining armor to rescue them from their prisons of motherhood. But it’s not my story. It never has been on the inside as my constant prayer and deep heart anchor is in the vision of a happy family I’ve always sought. Maybe it’s because I never had one – a house full of brothers and sisters and cousins and grandparents and uncles and aunts. Today the only living relative I have other than my kids is my mom and she doesn’t even speak to me.

As I think about this all tonight there’s a voice of truth that washes over me saying, “You’d never have been happy with him if it means living far from your children.” And that brought up more truth, like the fact that in 7 years he’s never once asked to meet anyone in my life. He’s not met a friend or my kids. He’s only met my dog. If he loved me he’d want to be part of my life and he’d want to intertwine me in his too. I’ve never met a single friend of his either.

I left everything behind and he’s left nothing. And neither of us should ever have to. Love is a foundation that builds like a tree that starts with one branch and sprouts out to become more beautiful and bare more fruit. I’ve watched my aunt attacked by her own daughter in her time of need as a newly widowed woman; thrown in a nursing home where she died less than a year later. i would imagine she died of loneliness and a broken heart as the daughter didn’t even allow a single person to see her, didn’t have a funeral for her, didn’t even call to let us know she’d passed on the week of Christmas.

And even as i think about my kids coming to live with me I know that there are no guarantees that our outcome will be any different. We love because it’s what we are. And we can’t have any expectations. We love because what other choice is there? Death. That’s it. If a live is lived without love it’s not lived at all.

So I don’t know what God has planned for me now. I’m scared of them coming back because there was so much hurt but I can’t imagine a future without them in the closest crevices of my heart. And as far as a man is concerned.. I have no choice but to let him go, he was never mine in the first place. And if this was to be my fairytale love story then I would not be the one chasing and hoping for a future with him anyway. He’d have chased me back.

Tomorrow I’m going to look at a 2 bedroom and then maybe find some 3 bedrooms also. If we’re to be a family again I pray that God blesses us all with forgiveness compassion and love greater than we’ve known before.

I miss my kids. I miss them so much.

Goodnight.

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Sadness

I’ve been sad for so long now. I wear a smile and disguise my voice like I’m a cartoon character sent to spread joy into the world. I pass out prayer candles and inside I feel like a fraud as I repeat the same stories. I tell others about the miracles I witnessed in an ICU room and man who escaped death by the power of prayer. I’ve even allowed myself to get puffed up with pride as if I was the one who was responsible for these powerful prayers.

I remember when we returned from the hospital back into our home and the support staff wasn’t around and there were no more nurses, doctors, therapists or other patients to brag about God’s miracles to when the miracles seemed to slow. Or maybe it was just the solitude that kicked in and made me take an honest look around at my life at the sobering reality that it was a trainwreck. I wrote scriptures on sticky notes all over the house to keep us all optimistic; or so I explained it that way to myself. Then I bought every book I get hold of about miracles and prayer and I read them front to back implementing each ritual as if somehow the right visualization or perfect word sequence would somehow click into place perfectly and unlock the spell that had placed us in the predicament we were in.

When I finally fell exhausted and defeated, I sat on the couch one night in my own thoughts and tears as a Title popped up on my screen sent as a gift from my daughter’s church where she volunteered. The title read, “To Live is Christ. To Die is Gain.” The morbid words sounded like music to my ears as I whispered the text out loud to myself. That’s how I felt – like dying. I thought about such an experience could at last take me out of my suffering, my struggle and to a place of peace and rest for my soul.

When I watched the 12-part Bible study something broke open with me. I understood for the first time the phrase I’d heard, “The Power of the Gospel.” And for a moment, I was utterly and completely set free. In that moment God spoke to the deepest depths of my soul an earth shattering conviction that had power over me; the spirit of pride. And I was shown that pride in this sense isn’t at all like I’d once thought it was to be defined. Pride wasn’t about boasting in your skills or your material possessions or even your looks or accomplishments. Pride was a desire to control what only God can control; the path, protection and provisions of one’s life. I saw it in the way I’d mothered my children; working non-stop to keep them safe from harm as a “Helicopter Mom” that worried always and said “no” often to all the joys they wanted to partake in. I saw myself on the family trip to the Bahamas we’d taken a year before, pacing and panting over every move they made. I worried they’d get bitten by a shark and nearly ruined their snorkelling experience. I worried they’d get kidnapped and therefore wouldn’t let them go ride water slides without me hovering along behind them. I wouldn’t hardly let them ride bikes because I was too terrified they might get struck by a car.

When my husband served me divorce papers on the third anniversary of his tragic brain injury, he took my son with him and I worried I’d die of a heart attack without the ability to tuck him in each night and track his phone 24/7 to keep him on a curfew and safe from doing the wrong things with the wrong people.

Fast forward nearly 7 years later I have found myself in the same cycle, doing the same things but only with new characters along for the ride. With new layers of pain, betrayal and abandonment tied to new layers of trauma and disappointments I have blamed myself every step of the way. And I’ve had a lot of help in doing so.

My mother blames me for marrying a bad guy. My “bad guy” blames me for leaving my son, (the son he viscously took from me in proceedings of bullying and threats through a court system. My son blames me for giving him bad genes, marrying the wrong guy and selfishly leaving him behind. My daughter blames me for being sad. I have blamed myself for all of the above and even a book I wrote back in 2015.

It was a fiction novel about a woman who lost her husband and wrote a book about her life. Then the book was made to film, she plotted her own suicide and considered the production her last mission completed inside of a world that had nothing left for her to hold and then to her surprise, she fell in love with the actor who played the role of her husband from the film, was left after love’s sting and then led to a place through a game of clues that landed her on the top of a staircase in an old abandoned mansion where the guy was there awaiting to surprise her with a newly written chapter to her sad and depressing life. It was the typical tragedy to pain that led to purpose with a plot twist spark of love and a mystery that ended with a happily ever after.

I never believed in fiction and fantasy fables like this and quite honestly I hated movie scripts because they had led me to such heartbreak and disappointment as a child. Believing in a God that answered prayers, a handsome prince that rescues a slave girl from the basement where she’d been prisoned by her wicked stepsisters and believing in a world where daddy’s don’t leave and mothers don’t lie had led me to my first taste of death at age 17 when I tried to take my own life in suicide. The fall from grace for me was a fall from believing that anything could ever be better. The world was broken, cruel, manipulative and mean. I wanted out. I thought if God was real he needed to see that he’d made a grave mistake in sending me to this planet.

In 2022, six years after the tragic night that turned my world upside down and 3 years after I’d been left in divorce, I first remembered the book of Skyla that I’d written and intended to one day publish as a creative writing piece. It was long buried from the rubble in a home remodeling project I’d contracted years before and I found it odd that the memory of the book would hit me with such meaning after so much time had passed without a single thought of it all. But in the midst of remembering a new hope was born and a fear greater than anything I’d ever before faced all in the same package.

I realized that some of the events from the fiction novel looked very similar to my real life. And in realizing this strange phenomenon I lost my grip on reality in a single day. I wondered if the book was a prophecy over my life i’d somehow downloaded in some sort of psychic other-wordly spark of creativity. I wondered if my imagination had tapped into something of divine wisdom. Or, if the book represented something dark; a desire inside of me to see such a tragic story play out and if so; could I have somehow been responsible for what happened to the father of my children?

I had a great life. Why would I write such a strange plot? And why was I so drawn to the character of a movie to make him the lead role in the visions I had in my head about this book back then?

Over the last 4 years I’ve prayed more prayers to Heaven then I could ever attempt to quantify. I’ve suffered deep anguish, pain so intense I’ve trembled like a child in convulsions, I’ve had nightmares, unceasing thoughts of suicide and I’ve pushed away everyone I love in terror of what I was becomming.

TBC……

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They’re all Gone. It’s over.

I feel it all ending. I’m not sure what it is but it’s not in my control. Perhaps the very root of suffering is found in trying to be in control. Maybe I shouldn’t want to know what happens next because trying to collect clues and crack the code causes expectation and disappointment.

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The Book

My daughter is reading it and she sent me a ton of messages last night about coming back together with her dad. She discussed his miracle in healing and that the devil is a liar to say he’s stuck like this. I am torn in this all because I know that man broke my heart. I know how much love God instilled in me towards him. I know betrayal hit harder than I could’ve ever imagined and made me not trust love anymore.

Then also last night D was talking about sex with other people. A part of me wanted to experience what he spoke of because to see a man with another woman (cheating) is the ultimate release of the soul. I experienced it with Josh. I know that the bond breaks when he touches another woman. Is the desire not enough? The flesh will do what it wants and the spirit is strong enough to overcome it. But I can’t control anyone’s desires or overcoming. Only my own with the spirit of Christ.

These revelations seem to be telling me that my soul is still seeking. I feel I haven’t found the one who will recognize me as their other half. That one will see me and say “she’s enough – she’s everything.” And yet God can put that spirit in anyone. The spirit of true, unconditional love isn’t something we labor to create, it just is.

But what of a Father’s love? My daughter’s soul is stirring to return to her father’s house – to be heal the parts of her that lost the man who hung the moon. Maybe the book was written for a time such as this when she would read it, be stirred in her spirit and God would speak to her that this is her season to pick up the baton and be the healer she was sent here to be. Maybe it’s her love that will move him past the finish line – whatever that is. Maybe her love will be stirred in music again because of the seed of love God’s turning on right now.

I would love so much to see my daughter rise up in glory and my son too. Maybe that’s the healing that will come to me one day when I see and know that everything happened for the reason of two amazing, strong and God-filled kids who change the world some day and do so because of the demonstration of love, healing and resilience they saw demonstrated.

Today I ask for God to help me walk in faith, accepting what is and continuing to report what is true. Today what is true is my daughter is reading my book on the 9 year anniversary of me publishing it and she’s on a plane to Houston today to see her brother and father. Today what is true is I’m going to get my California drivers license with Dave. Today what is true is I have a seed of hope that something beautiful is happening in the moving puzzle pieces of God’s design and divine plan. Today what is true is I know nothing beyond that.

I’m a passenger in a script that God writes and until he stirs my heart with passion for something, I am waiting upon the Lord. In the void and confusion I have nothing else I’m able to do.

Here and now, I have little to show on the outside that humans would call goodness. But on the inside, I’m still breathing because I believe the story isn’t over yet.

I’m going to go for a run. Let the Lord heal my body overtaken by vape metals, remove my addiction and impress upon my heart that I’m still a vessel of love and should be healed in the body as my soul prospers.

In Jesus Name,

Amen.

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Terrified to go Back

I flew to Hawaii and felt peace when I walked the ocean. I felt I belonged there. I wish I could live on the beach and be in nature. I wish I could learn to surf and bodyboard. I don’t want to go back to Houston. God did so much to get me out of there. But I don’t see the way here yet. I don’t see the miracle of purpose hitting me in the forehead where I know why God sent me and what I’m to do now. I can’t see what God is doing in this quiet waiting.

I just want to get back on my feet and have a ministry of some kind where I can influence others going through these storms. I want to see the promised land and understand why God sent me here. I want to feel the love and abundance of all things made new. Where is the door I can’t see?

I want to have family and a home and my dog but not at the cost of my soul. Not at the cost of dying a slow death in a prison of retirement alone. My heart is torn because it doesn’t know the way anymore. I don’t know what to seek because I can’t see anything seeking me.

On the way back from Hawaii there was an infant in a mans arms when we landed. David (next to me) said we have to write reports because we could get in big trouble and then the flight leader told us that the seating report had the infant seated there – so it was the system’s fault. I felt the angels watching over me in that moment. And it made me think of everything he said; the warning about the friend who took a job and was laid off a year later. Then his speeches about love. I don’t know what love is right now. I don’t feel love from anyone. I thought leaving here would be the answer but I’m terrified to go back to the place that destroyed me.

I look up and see MALIBU in front of me. And I think about the Malibu Miracle I’ve been praying for and how I finally got here in May. My past is the enemy. It tries to bring me into it again and again. I won’t go back.

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Candles

I woke up this morning and started to pray. Immediately I was shown a candle. I lit one and I prayed and then I worked out with Tamra and I gave her a fully body massage. Serving others can be hard when the ones we love the most and wish to serve are so far away. I spoke to my son tonight and he said he didn’t feel good and couldn’t make the drive to Galveston tomorrow. I know he’s scared because he has warrants, no drivers license and no active insurance. His anxiety and stomach issues I relate to because everytime I think about him I feel so full of sorrow and tension.

Tonight I received a message from Alyssa and Daniella. They found one of my prayer candles and wrote an email to tell me they were praying for Josh’s healing. It brought joy to my heart. Maybe I had it all wrong this morning. Maybe God was telling me that the candle was meant to instruct me to make more.

So I will do that now….

God please write our stories beautiful full of healing, new beginnings and a chapter so glorious all of this pain is no longer even remembered.

In Jesus’ name.

Amen

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